First day of December and my day sucked ass ballz. Morning, of course. Overslept, missed first class, but luckily managed to hand in the paper I've been working on since forever. 30 pages omg i wondered how I did it. Of course, with one hw gone the other comes, and I guess I'll have to get it done by god knows when. D: Maybe get less sleep too. Or don't sleep. Either way it works for me lol.

Got a DBSK hoodie yay :P I can't believe I'm splurging my money for it, but I am. DBSK, keep the faith hahahaha~~~

December 3 2009: Since I fell asleep and forgot to post this up. I got too tired this morning I cannot even wake up when the alarm clock rang. THRICE, in fact. So tired, so tired... I just want to sleep whole day, resorted to snacking to keep myself awake, feel so terrible. I'll get fat. :(

Sighs. Don't wanna get fat. Wanna sleep. Wanna finish my hw. Wanna complain more :P

Taken from thundersquall . F-list! I want to know more about you guys ;)
You know how sometimes people on your friendslist post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when??? And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes. Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out. (:

( Under here~ )

11. who are some of your closest friends?
Hmm. Most of them are still in Malaysia, my high school friends. Though I have loads of great friends online as well. :) blurmeese, tyreling, joongie_boowey , and my babies who don't ever come LJ anymore but I still love them 3ternallove and uverjaeho ;) This is where I met you guys, and no matter where next places I will be I will still remember you guys. I swear. >)

The damned paper is killing me. Why undertake such a task?

... I do not want to write a long passage on self hate and let it spam this journal, though I know I will probably delete this on a later date. I have absolutely no idea on how to write this, I want to stop this craziness in my veins, but it pains me so badly. It pumps into my head everyday, and yet I do not know how to end this.

To describe this feeling is to show my vulnerability; though I always probably am. For some reason I have no reason to think about what people think about me; I seem to care a lot in the past, even now, sometimes, and my actions can drown me in utmost regret almost every time. For a reason; image and impression is extremely important, and I am only good in breaking whatever people can think of me into worse impressions of myself. I do not know what kind of inborn destructive talent is this, and my guilt is immense.

I mistreated myself badly, these few weeks, physically and mentally, in attempt to disprove my vulnerability; I have gone sick, both physically and mentally. Stupid move, especially since I know how stupid I will feel if people laugh at me. I do not understand what kind of madness had gone inside me; why do such things to myself? Why do I repeat the same things even when I know how the end result will be?

I want to cry badly; pleading on LJ is never a great option but this is how I like it, scribbling on a journal and releasing the creepy crawlies onto the Internet.

Stress, frustration and madness in my head. I want a vacation. I want to get away, from where I can no longer crawl at the walls, to somewhere damp and dark; to somewhere cold and heartless; so that I can release the knots and the wrinkles.

How could a few things make me so damned depressed? I want to evade this; but somethings just hurl themselves at me. Why? Give me some time to let go of things; to depend on someone; to relieve myself and smile truly.

Even if that damned paper is due the day after tomorrow and I am only halfway through.

Wow. Its been more than eleven months since I first came here, and nothing seemed to have changed. I continue to make mistakes, continue to remain 'original', and nothing much pretty happens. I feel like an idiot sometimes, and sometimes I feel stupid. Sometimes I think of bad stuff, sometimes I don't give a damn. I am a wrecked person, and I am trying to address myself that I am not. Which, is a failure sometimes.

Some things I try to avoid; but fail. Some things I want to do; but I didn't. I feel somewhat tortured and fake; why am I so? I can never be true to anybody; no matter what situation. I am a failure, obvious horrible failure. I do not know why. This is torturing, killing me, killing me. I feel so horrible.

I fell sick, really dizzy yesterday. That is because I am trying to save; and by that I mean, really, save. I ate instant noodles for two weeks, and yesterday when I was on my way to Chemistry lab I feel slightly nauseous and vomiting. It was scary trying to go on with lab when all I want to do is vomit and get some rest. How the hell did I manage to get my way back home is still a mystery. Nevertheless, after eating some healthy food [porridge! vegetables! OMG! The bitter herbal tea!] I now feel much better. Lying at home and resting now, hehe. I love the feeling of doing nothing but randomly onlining and doing homework, though best to say the homework is placed on the back burner for the moment. Even if I am supposed to hand it in on Tuesday and I have no reason to evade doing the damn paper.

i am in a dark room; the feeling of only the laptop shining in the room's darkness permeates my soul and makes me calm; I have not realize that the daytime ends so quickly if not for the presence of the sudden airplane noise waking me out of my reverie. i have been sitting here since 1pm? Or 2? I have no remembrance. But it feels calm, and I believe that this calm is something I really love, want, but cannot have always. Why is this so weird?

I am fond of night, and it reins me into its tranquility. I am a freako, and freaks are the reasons the world exists in balance. Balance does not exist without me, and me without balance. Yin and yang, I am teetering to madness. Madness? I beg to defer.

Cool me down. Sorry for the mad post.

-Realize I lost weight again. :)
-Falling back in cpop, dbsk is really too much to handle. Too much controversy. 黄靖伦~~~~
-Can't be bothered sometimes, and don't wanna be bothered. Sometimes I wonder why so. No. Not bothering. People can think all they want about somebody but at the end of the day nobody is nobody and everybody is everybody. Don't want to make sense.
-Gonna get some sleep tonight~~~ :)
-Sometimes I feel like I'm only 5 years old. How does someone be 19 and still act 5? Hmm. ME. :(
-Homework to finish~
-Money. Money. X2305873205206364

-Wanna go on holiday! Yay!
-Typing the presentation and typing the presentation
-Sleepy but can't keep sleeping like a pig
-Wanna sleep still. ROFL.

Sigh. I shouldn't have thought about this. But apparently after a rather eventful day I remembered. Why should I remember? Because I never forgot, just crept it somewhere in my mind and let it be forgotten. I thought.

Or so I thought.

Why??

I keep forgetting her existence. Keep forgetting. Keep telling myself noone exists. But its still there. It's still there. I'm just throwing rocks at a wall and begging for the rock to bounce like a ball.

Damn this shit.

I sang my heart out at the karaoke today, its a great thing though.

I guess. :/

Why?

Moving on.

Can't believe my overexhaustion have made me prone to sleeping and acting irregularly. Hate this. Thought that I can juggle everything at once and be some fake strong person; obviously, I am not. I thought that my mental state is better; obviously, it is not. My walls of fallacy are falling day by day, crumbling myself into pieces, and juggling everything is no simple task in the armageddon. There's not much I have been doing but doing homework and work. Nothing else. Money, homework, family, is most important to me now, and is the only things I am concentrating on. Once, there was a naive girl who thought that she could be iron woman or something, multitasking and doing loads of things at a time and still be successful. It seems, everyone must pay a price for something else that is more prioritized, and there's no exception for even this little girl in this little world who had thought otherwise.

Homework needs to be rushed over the week; have two incoming assignments due on Thursday and I'm not even halfway through. Today I had my Calculus exam and I didn't study for it because I was too tired yesterday after work. Hope I don't fuck it up anyways. Starting registration for spring, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do; and a very good idea on what I must do. To achieve all that I have aimed since my arrival in the United States, I will get set and get the stuff ready to be worked out by this week. I must try, and try, and try, where failing is but an option I cannot choose, but could only pray to avoid.

f(x) is addictive. The only symbol to equations beacme my addiction when they became a girl group and made me sing along with them. LOL. Minor happiness amongst the grey.

After this week I will sleep the weekends through. I don't care.

- So many homework to do lately and so little time. Sleep is a luxury to be sacrificed. T.T omg i supposed to be awake by and its 1.19am


I am having three exams/quizzes/tests/whatever you wanna call them upcoming next week and I intend to score. Last round was disappointing on my part and I wish to improve on more subjects this time round. <3 Working on math questions like crazy, I've never did 60 FREAKING HARD AND TERRIBLE differentiation questions in one go! :O Just finished the questions obviously, my brain is so spent. T.T But I'm gonna work hard for that A+.

Besides that new life has begun for my younger sister who arrived in NY last Friday. She is not accustomed to the cold [yeah, fall's coming to invite winter to extreme cold and freezing and you get the drift~] and I hope she can familiarize herself soon; winter's cold is even worse, yeah? And it's only 50 degrees Fahrenheit now. My cousin is here as well; I am gonna bring them out to play when I have the time. Yeah. When I have the damned time.

Time is a luxury, together with sleep. T.T Work + study + school + homework + housekeeping + other necessities = do I still have time for sleep and to bring my cousin and sister out to visit NY? I have been falling asleep too often in the subways; this is a bad sign for myself and my health. GIVE ME SLEEP TIME DAMN IT!!! D:

Without realizing it, I am already here for 10 months. Time flies, bringing me changes and the cold. And I've matured much, I hope.

- Recently got hooked to Peter Pan. Nice songs in his EP.
- Want to watch Twilight 'New Moon'
- Life change is continuing on a major scale.

Will update soon. FB statuses are most current XD